pregnancy woes

One of the first things people ask me when talking about the upcoming new baby is, “you must be working on the nursery!”. Funny you should the mention nursery because I’m having a baby, a small human, in 9 +/- weeks I’ve got a crib and a chair. Someone I know just had a beautiful baby and posted lovely photos of him and his new nursery. It’s straight out of a Pottery Barn catalog. Truth be told, I’m feeling completely overwhelmed with the idea of having a child, and being off of work and missing 3 months of pay (it’s my choice to be out for 12 weeks). I’m nervous about if he’ll latch and I’ll be able to nurse or not. I wonder if he’ll be fussy. I’m scared about getting postpartum depression. I have a history of depression and anxiety and some of the “signs” during pregnancy have been there, too. I’m terrified about keeping this human alive, and now I feel inadequate because my child won’t have a picture perfect nursery.

I have an idea in my head of how I want it to look. We received the crib I wanted as a gift. I bought a used lovely rocking chair. But we need a dresser. And a changing table (or a dresser that doubles as a changing table, but John and I are tall, will be bending down too much that it will be uncomfortable?). I want a rug. I’m making a mobile (but so far I’ve spent $24 on supplies when the stupid mobile that matches the bed set only cost $25). We need a bookshelf. But I can’t justify a $200-$300 dresser, a $150 changing table and a $50 bookshelf. We’re saving every penny so that I can be home with baby for 12 weeks. I make double what John makes and in turn he will need to pick up extra shifts while I’m off to try to help us break even. We'll get the stuff we need off Craigslist used and it will all come together, I know.

They say having a baby is one of the most exciting times of your life. I won’t lie when I say I am enjoying being pregnant. I love feeling him kick, I love the feeling of my little baby hanging out with me wherever I go. But I’m terrified of what comes next, and I’m sad that our baby’s room isn’t going to be picture perfect. People say babies don’t need much, and that has been my philosophy. But at the same time, in today’s world of sharing and posting and keeping up with the Jones’, I would be lying if I said I didn’t care what it looks like. John suggested a hand me down oak dresser and I had a meltdown because I want a white dresser. John doesn’t get it, says what’s the color matter when  it serves its purpose of holding clothes. We can’t paint it white because my husband doesn’t believe in “destroying furniture to paint it white”.

I’ve been so focused on being pregnant and I can only see what’s coming when I go into labor. But the more I start thinking about what comes next, the more terrified I get. I know it will all be OK, it’s just so overwhelming. Add in the emotions and hormones and it's safe to say I'm a mess these days. I can't wait to meet this little baby, and I know it will all be worth it in the end.