3 months [a lot of personal word vomit]

It's been three months since I last posted a blog. I say this every time but I am saying it again. I think this blog will be a place that I can document my life and look back on it in the future. I'm updating now. 

I'm getting married in 21 days. Three weeks. I cannot wait to marry John. It nearly brings to tears to my eyes when I think about how happy I am to marry him. It also brings tears to my eyes when I think about all the things I need to do - wedding and non-wedding related. February through now has quite possibly been one of the most trying times in my life. Let me go on. 

I am always one that people think has "too much" going on. But this time, it's bad. I mean, I will be honest and say that more than once I've though I will literally break in half from crying and anxiety. It's been hard. 

My job, while I love it, is demanding, and exhausting. I had two classes in school. We moved. We set a wedding date and started planning a wedding. I have to study for and pass an industry exam (series 6) for my job. My mother and I pretty much stopped all communication, she uninvited herself to my wedding. My brother is homeless. Legit, sleeping outside behind Perkins homeless. My other brother hasn't talk to me since... Christmas? For no reason in particular, I don't think, other than he thinks that I think I am better than he is. It was the shittiest, coldest winter ever. 

There are more days than I'd like to admit that I get home from work and break down and cry and eat anything I can get my hands on. And then how can you do homework/study for a huge test when you're exhausted. And on a really awesome day, I'll cry at work. Yesterday was one of those. I saw a photo of myself and burst into tears. It is ironic that this wedding day is supposed to be "the happiest day of my life" but it comes at a time where I find myself at the heaviest weight I've ever been in my life. I'm not happy with myself. I haven't been for years but I've failed to do anything about it except contribute to the problem. So here I am, getting ready to get married and literally all I can think about is how my double chin looks, how my fat arms look, can you see my cellulite through my dress? Can I ban anyone from posting a photo on the internet that shows my chins/fat arms/cellulite? It's crossed my mind to postpone the wedding so that I can drop 50 pounds. John tells me every. single. day. that I am beautiful, and he loves me. And I am grateful for that - it is something I always wanted - a man that loved me at my best and my worst. Truth be told, I don't even share these feelings with John. I just embrace who I am, what I'm dealing with and move on. 

Tonight, I got home from work and sat on the couch, and cried. John quickly ran over and asked what was wrong. I told him that about 5 people have reminded me that today marks the start of WEDDING MONTH and they say I must be so excited! And I say, I am excited to be married, yes! Which is true. But I feel like I've been robbed of a beautiful wedding planning experience. [OK, wedding planning isn't BEAUTIFUL but I am 21 days away from my wedding and my to-do list is a mile long and I can't even focus on it because I need to study for my test, conveniently scheduled for May 5th. But after May 5th it will get better! It won't. I haven't opened the textbook for my class (oh yea, cause I had to drop the other. I'm out $2,000 and delayed graduation a semester) and we have 2 weeks of school and I'm failing the class and WHAT DO I EVEN DO?] But this whole thing has just been going through the motions, emptying my savings account, fighting with John more than I ever have. And John hands me kleenex and asks if I'm wearing pants, and says I should probably get pants on if we are going to Target. 

Whenever I start thinking about everything, I start having a panic attack. I can actually FEEL my stomach churning with anxiety. How do I fix this? What do I do? I don't know. 

Why am I blogging when I have SO MUCH TO DO. Well, because I've been wanting to write for a while. And let's be real, it's midnight, I'm done studying for the night. 

Overall, the wedding is coming along fine. I've delegated a lot to John because, damn it, he's a grown up and can do some things. I'm excited to be done forking over $200 every other day for something different! No lie: Tuesday was $150 for dress alterations Wednesday was $160 for hair and make up trial and Friday will be $200 buying flowers. 

Aside from my blog breakdown and real life breakdowns... I'm pretty chill with this wedding stuff and I'm not overly crazy. I know it will all work out just fine, people have weddings every single day, I am not the first person to face these problems. 

As for the other stuff? I don't know. I'm just focusing on one thing at a time. I have Friday off of work to study for my test. I have class on Saturday.... then more studying. Sunday will be, you guessed it, studying. What's the worst thing that happens if I fail? I have to wait a month and can try again (which would be a 3rd try). 

Sorry for the word vomit. But it feels good to get it out. Life isn't perfect. There are challenges and joys. I think I need to add finding a new therapist onto my ever-mounting to-do list. I am looking forward to a sunshine-filled (studying-filled) weekend. I can't wait to crawl into my amazingly cozy bed, with my slightly chilly room and a fan on for good measure. I can't wait to wake up and make a big, hot cup of coffee. 

Here's to hoping things let up soon and I can return to using my blog for what I wanted in the first place.